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Aware of a Desire For Nothingness

Aware of a Desire For Nothingness

The alarm went off at 2:30 and I was afraid. Afraid that I had woken up late. I don’t remember waking up last night so that’s a good thing. And when I got up and turned the alarm clock off I felt relieved that it was indeed 2:30.

After brushing my teeth and getting some water and a spoonful of coconut puree I was heading towards the yoga room to do my practice, when I realized that I didn’t want to do anything in that moment. I didn’t want to go back to sleep and I didn’t want to meditate.

If there was a way to do absolutely nothing, no thoughts, no actions, no feelings or emotions that’s what I would have chosen to do.

However, given my current options, I chose to meditate and do my practice. And as I sat down on my stool still residing in a state of desire for nothingness. A sense of gratitude and appreciation began to wash over me.

Gratitude for how far along my practice has come since the beginning of the year. Even though it feels like forever go, I still remember when that wanting of nothingness would arise early in the morning last year. Because that’s when I would roll over in bed and continue to sleep or lay there doing nothing. And the more I lingered the worse I felt.

But this morning, even though the wanting of nothingness was there, I knew that when I allowed myself to hold the intention to be still for the next 35 minutes sooner rather than later that wanting of nothingness would dissolve and disappear. More importantly, I would feel lighter and better by the time the bell rang.

I’m pleased to let you know that’s exactly what happened.  And, breathing to the beat of the metronome for the rest of the practice led me closer and closer to that special place where all is well and ironically there is nothing to do or achieve, simply dwelling in a state of being.

35 min meditation
5 min sphinx/cobra pose w/metronome
5 min sacral clock w/metronome
5 min shoulder opener w/metronome
5 min reclined butterfly w/metronome
5 min Fish w/block and metronome
10 min quad stretch w/metronome
5 min cat/cow w/metronome
30 min half sun salutations w/metronome
20 min shavasana

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